Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Randomize
