Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
