im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
