I will die if light touches me.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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