WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
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