I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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