I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
