I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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