thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Still dying that you shit outside
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
