I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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