Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
