apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
