My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize
