don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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