Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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