I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
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