Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
