you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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