He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
