hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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