1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
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