Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
