she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
