I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
