The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
