he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
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