my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
