Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Randomize
