3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
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