we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
