Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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