I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
this will be a night to untag.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
