Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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