We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
