Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
