You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Randomize
