So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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