I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
So many bounce houses so little time
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
