Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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