There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
