After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
