I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Randomize
