dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh�
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
