i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
