the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
