Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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