so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
