Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
