If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Randomize
