I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
