This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
